So the dailies didn’t last for very long… about a month. And then a whole year went by without a single post. Did I stop making art? Why isn’t there anything to show?
My interests in life have shifted to other things, and since this blog doesn’t reflect those interests, my incentive to keep it going is nearly gone. I wondered if I should even keep it around, since it is a production journal and the production has been halted for a little while. It’s not that I am not making any art, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t make the kind of art that I assume most of my visitors are here to look for: mainly 3D and game art. These days I like to do photography, knit, sketch alongside my son Pedja or just close my eyes and imagine all kinds of art I want to see or make. Sometimes I even imagine creating it in a 3D app, step by step. It’s a trip! But if I created it in my mind, it already exists, right? Well, then, how do I share it with the world? Can I just create the file on the computer that has my project all nicely rendered out and saved as video file, ready to go up to YouTube… using focused intent?!? Or do I have to invest tremendous amounts of time and energy (that in itself covers money) to physically create it? Hey, I am not trying to materialize gold here, just a video file, which is non-physical anyway! To materialize the idea? How about we all switch to telepathy and you just download it directly to your 3rd eye ultra HD360 theater? How about that for the next gen?
The absence of posts was mainly due to the identity crisis, combined with perpetual self censoring. I wanted to share so much with the world, but ended up only showing what I believed would be helpful when the time comes to look for another job: for we all know that hiring managers will look you up on Google and you don’t want them to find anything that might dissuade them from hiring you. That limited me to only politically correct works that don’t offend anyone and tell nothing of any importance. And I didn’t write much. The words in the posts were merely there to accompany the images. And yet, writing has been my passion for a very long time; I was writing novels since the age 11, although I was their only reader. As a kid I’ve heard my dad saying that if you want to read something, and you can’t find it, then write it yourself.
I gradually ceased feeling comfortable in the persona of character artist working on video game production for a giant corporation. Luckily, before it became unbearable, I took off on a maternity leave, with perhaps a premeditated decision never to go back to work. To me, sitting in the office to make money so that I could pay someone else to do my job of raising my child, simply is preposterous. And I had to be honest with myself at the very least – I didn’t enjoy game production very much and it often felt like working on an assembly line, cranking out piece after piece of “art” with nearly no creative decisions involved in the process. The novelty and luster of corporate job wore off and I noticed that I am not learning much, if anything, new. But I was making good money and advancing through the ranks in the corporate ladder, so I kept at it for a while.
On the other hand, it became increasingly important for me to understand my own motivation, and to make sure that I believe in what I am doing. Building characters for video games that glorify violence or emulate already boring sports, provide no real or lasting value and serve only as a distraction from reality – this simply isn’t something I ever believed in, but as all enthusiasts who have appreciation for the craft I entered the industry hoping that one day I will work on a game that will make a difference, the game I will believe in. Needless to say, I had plenitude of ideas for such projects, and they keep coming. Maybe one day I will have a favorite that I will actualize, but for now I am happy if I get a chance to edit a few photos or complete a sketch.
I would like to keep this blog – it’s been around for over 10 years now and serves as a testament to my progression through my art and CG skill development, starting right after graduation from college and ending not too long after my game dev career ended. However, I feel like my real progress in life is only just beginning, and I am excited as never before about little bits of progress I make each day on improving my understanding of myself and the universe. Zooming out and looking at life from broader perspective really makes for some impressive shots, and it makes one aware of the shortfalls of focusing in small areas for too long.
With heartfelt gratitude to all those knowledgeable, courageous, wise and enlightened individuals, who shared their wisdom, research, art and discoveries with the world, I am now officially ending the practice of censoring my thoughts and true feelings for sake of some imagined safety, and hope to give back something of value.